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500+ funny English quotes (for translation exercises) - ordered by length

2021.01.15. 10:47 aforizmágus

  1. Keep breathing.
  2. Women ruin music.
  3. Radio has no future.
  4. My nose bleeds for you.
  5. It's like kissing Hitler.
  6. 'And pray, what is that?'
  7. A yawn is a silent shout.
  8. He said he was against it.
  9. 'Sensible men never tell.'
  10. At last God caught his eye.
  11. What time is the next swan?
  12. I'm not as normal as I appear.
  13. No sex is better than bad sex.
  14. I only direct in self-defence.
  15. X-rays will prove to be a hoax.
  16. As a work of art, it is naught.
  17. Democracy will be dead by 1950.
  18. What small potatoes we all are.
  19. I never met a man I didn't like.
  20. He talks French with both hands.
  21. I think it would be a good idea.
  22. Peace is when nobody's shooting.
  23. There is always room at the top.
  24. I could prove God statistically.
  25. I must have a drink of breakfast.
  26. Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?).
  27. As innocent as a new-laid egg.
  28. Speak softly and carry a big stick.
  29. A friend in power is a friend lost.
  30. Leadership is action, not position.
  31. Well, a lot is my favourite number.
  32. To do nothing is every man's power.
  33. Never, never, never, never give up.
  34. The mind also be an erogenous zone.
  35. People say law but they mean wealth.
  36. We believe in the life before death.
  37. I do, and I also wash and iron them.
  38. A raisin is a worried looking grape.
  39. Today is what happened to yesterday.
  40. Don't decide when you don't have to.
  41. No woman can be too rich or too thin.
  42. I have eyes like those of a dead pig.
  43. Be Thankful Only One Of Them Can Win.
  44. But I'm not so think as you drunk I am.
  45. A lie is that which you do not believe.
  46. Would you buy a used car from this man?
  47. Too bad she's not queen of some country.
  48. Did we really send men to fight in this?
  49. I declare this thing, whatever it is ...?
  50. Good men must not obey the laws too well.
  51. God is for men and religion is for women.
  52. A star is just an actor who sells tickets.
  53. Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
  54. Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
  55. The covers of this book are far too apart.
  56. There is no place to go, and so we travel.
  57. I paused like a woodpecker at timber line.
  58. She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
  59. With humor death is less of a grave matter.
  60. Bach almost persuades me to be a Christian.
  61. A good conscience is a continual Christmas.
  62. On the whole I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
  63. Stop the world… Nixon wants to get back on.
  64. I have a face like the behind of an elefant.
  65. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist….
  66. A hypocrite is a person who - but who isn't?
  67. 'Sensible men are all of the same religion.'
  68. When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
  69. We're on the same side - we're out to get me.
  70. If you need a friend in Wshington, get a dog.
  71. Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
  72. He has ever been the tin can on his own tail.
  73. Thank you, General. The boys were interested.
  74. Fate tired to conceal him by naming him Smith.
  75. I rob banks because that's where the money is.
  76. Everybody hates me because I'm so universally.
  77. It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.
  78. The opera ain't over until the fat lady sings.
  79. Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
  80. The first rule of winning: Don't beat yourself.
  81. Having seen Rambo I know what to do with Libya.
  82. If you can forecast accurately, forecast often.
  83. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.
  84. Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
  85. My idea of going for a walk is sitting on a gate.
  86. The telephone is my favourite musical instrument.
  87. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  88. Whatever may be God's future, we cannot His past.
  89. Tell me who you are and I'll tell you who you are.
  90. How can I know what I think till I see what I say.
  91. And so we plough along, as the fly said to the ox.
  92. It's the orders you disobey that makes you famous.
  93. He had the acting ability of the average wardrobe.
  94. Most people don't plan to fail; they fail to plan.
  95. Only a few know the sweetness of the rotten apple.
  96. Mindig is ő volt a bádogdoboz a saját farkán.
  97. Everything that can be invented has been invented.
  98. His hair and teeth were both parted in the middle.
  99. God was satisfied with his work and that was fatal.
  100. I just put my feet in the air and move them around.
  101. Would the boy you were be proud of the man you are?
  102. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again.
  103. Ernest Hemingway. Yes I know. They have more money.
  104. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
  105. You can always tell when he's lying - his lips move.
  106. Thelogy is the part of religion that requires brain.
  107. The Creater made Italy from designs by Michelangelo.
  108. She looks like she combs her hair with an eggbeater.
  109. To my extreme mortification, O grow wiser every day.
  110. I am just turning forty and taking my time about it.
  111. Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
  112. He walks as if balancing the family tree on his tree.
  113. Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.
  114. It was a bit like shaking hands with a tired sausage.
  115. This country would be all right if Truman were alive.
  116. The specialist is a man who fears the other subjects.
  117. A soldiar is an anachronism of which we must get rid.
  118. Forgive me now. Tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty.
  119. Lady Brute: That may be a mistake in the translation.
  120. It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
  121. Your eyes shine like the pants of my blue alpaca suit.
  122. The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
  123. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
  124. To be a leader of men one must turn one's back on them.
  125. In company with several other old ladies of both sexes.
  126. No problem is insoluble given a big enough plastic bag.
  127. No, I didn't study anything at school. They studied me.
  128. Belinda: Az, but you know we must return good for evil.
  129. I hate women because they always know where things are.
  130. I don't recall your name, but your manners are familiar.
  131. Every word she says is a lie, including 'and' and 'the'.
  132. Don't carry away that arm till I have taken off my ring.
  133. They couldn't find the artist, so they hung the picture.
  134. People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
  135. Either this is not the Gospel, or we are not Christians.
  136. She looked like a tomato struggling for self-expression.
  137. We are all of us failures - at least the best of us are.
  138. Don't look at me Sir, with - ah - in that tone of voice.
  139. Retreat, hell! We're just fighting in another direction.
  140. Bachelor - a man, who never makes the same mistake once.
  141. WhenI'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
  142. Who's ever going to write a film in which I get the girl?
  143. The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
  144. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  145. Everybody wants to be Cary Grant. I want to be Cary Grant.
  146. A liberated woman has sex before marriage and a job after.
  147. You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
  148. When you have to kill a amn it costs nothing to be polite.
  149. While it was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter.
  150. Swearing is a compromise between running away and fighting.
  151. "Henry, why are you here?" - "Waldo, why are you not here?"
  152. The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot of ideas.
  153. Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere.
  154. K. Chesterton: "Thomas's Guide to Practical Shipmaking".
  155. God loves the poor, and that is why he made so many of them.
  156. If you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes.
  157. Man is the missing link between the ape and the human being.
  158. Clowns are ordinary folks, just like you and me, only worse.
  159. Clergyman: a ticket speculator outside the gates of
  160. When you hurt your left ankle watch out for your right knee.
  161. I'm an optimist, but I'm an optimist who carries a raincoat.
  162. Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little hatchet.
  163. Meet your failure nobly, and it will not differ from success.
  164. I know that I can save this country and that no one else can.
  165. Sir, you have two topics, yourself and me. I am sick of both.
  166. If at first you don't succeed, give up, don't be a damn fool.
  167. I am proud of the fact that I never invented weapons to kill.
  168. I'd sooner be dead in Los Angeles than alive in Philadelphia.
  169. My sermons are long and vigorous, like the penis of a jackass.
  170. Not what we have, but what we enjoy, constitues our abundance.
  171. Deer hunting would be a fine sport, if only the deer had guns.
  172. Have you got a pencil? I left my typewriter in my other pants.
  173. Sam reads the paper as if he were peeling an enormous banana.
  174. I think people shold mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
  175. My life is an open book. All too often open at the wrong page.
  176. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
  177. If I came any closer to you, I'll be on the other side of you.
  178. God must have loved the common people; he made so many of them.
  179. God is love - I dare say. But what a mischievous devil Love is.
  180. Specialist - A man who knows more and more about less and less.
  181. I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.
  182. I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
  183. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schelude is already full.
  184. She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on.
  185. You don't look like a doctor to me. You haven't any trousers on.
  186. If a man sits down to think, he is asked if he has the headache.
  187. We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out.
  188. Everybody has the right to pronounce foreign names as he chooses.
  189. I don't give a damn for a man that can spell a word only one way.
  190. Anybody can be pope; the proof of this is that I have become one.
  191. Maybe there isn't a devil; perhaps it's just God when he's drunk.
  192. Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you.
  193. No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend.
  194. Teetotallers lack the symphathy and generosity of men that drunk.
  195. He was the only horror film star to play monsters without makeup.
  196. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
  197. Poor Matt. He's gone to Heaven, no doubt - but he won't like God.
  198. Every client is a king, but a king is only one client among many.
  199. It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.
  200. When I walk with you I feel as if I had a flower in my buttonhole.
  201. If white bread could sing, it would sound like Olivia Newton John.
  202. Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
  203. Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
  204. It's an ordenary day for Brian. Like, he died every day, you know.
  205. The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
  206. One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
  207. Nothing spoils a romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
  208. He had a profile like a set of keys and a nose like a bicycle seat.
  209. Whiskey is the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold.
  210. Scott Fitzgerald. You know, Ernest, the rich are different from us.
  211. Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
  212. An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
  213. Ecologists believe that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.
  214. His last enigmatic words were, 'No thanks, I already own a penguin.'
  215. The average sale is made after the prospect has said 'no' six times.
  216. When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another.
  217. I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.
  218. No, to me Buddhism is to getting to know as many people as possible.
  219. When I was six I made my mother a little hat - out of her new blouse.
  220. I've got to meet God - and explain all those men I killed at Alamein.
  221. On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women.
  222. The poor would never be able tolive at all if it weren't for the poor.
  223. The most delightful advantage of being bald - one can hear snowflakes.
  224. I was once so poor I didn't know where my next husband was comig from.
  225. The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
  226. If you ever live in a country run by a committee, be on the committee.
  227. The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.
  228. By a sudden and adroit movement I placed my left eye against his fist.
  229. There is no sense in struggle, but there is no choice but to struggle.
  230. I want to be rich enough to be able to buy all the money in the world.
  231. One of the surest signs of his genius is that women dislike his books.
  232. If I am a great man, then a good many great men must have been frauds.
  233. Know him? I know him so well that I haven't spoken to him in ten years.
  234. You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
  235. Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.
  236. If they can put one man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?
  237. A pessimist is one who has been intimately acquainted with an optimist.
  238. I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
  239. My small nephew got his head jammed in the hole of a Henry Moore statue.
  240. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
  241. When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?
  242. Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper.
  243. We can't let Goldwater and Red China both get the bomb at the same time.
  244. After a few months learning geography, now I've got to learn arithmetic.
  245. Nincs ami jobban tönkretehetne egy románcot, mint a nő humorérzéke.
  246. I love talking about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about.
  247. If that radio announcer doesn't get off the air, I'll stop breathing it.
  248. What can you expect of a day that begins with getting up in the morning.
  249. My best feature is my smile. And smiles - praise heaven - don't get fat.
  250. The books I haven't written are better than the books other people have.
  251. If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.
  252. You know how to whistle, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow.
  253. There are no women composers, never have been and possibly never will be.
  254. The Superego is that part of the personality which is soluble in alcohol.
  255. Any time you think you have influence, try ordering around someone's dog.
  256. "Justice is blind." Blind she is an' deaf an' dumb, and has a wooden leg.
  257. The country that has only one person who can save it is not worth saving.
  258. The rate of unemployment is 100 per cent if it is you that is unemployed.
  259. I know only two tunes; one of them is Yankee Doodle, and the other isn't.
  260. What is a harp but an over-sized cheese-slicer with cultural pretensions.
  261. I don't know his telephone number. But it was up in the high numbers.
  262. Politicians should read science fictions, not westerns and crime stories.
  263. Long before Billy Wilder was Billy Wilder, he thought he was Billy Wilder.
  264. My first wife drove me to drink. I always meant to write and thank to her.
  265. I don't know what people have got against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
  266. Armour is the kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
  267. A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
  268. An independent is a person who wants to take the politics out of politics.
  269. The Duke returned from the wars today and did pleasure me in his top-boots.
  270. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
  271. The English may not like music but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
  272. Mi más a hárfa, mint egy óriás sajtreszelő némi kulturális felhanggal?
  273. Every day you guys look worse and worse. And today you played like tomorrow.
  274. America may be violent, greedy and colonialist but my God, it's interesting.
  275. Works as if you were to live 100 years; pray as if you were to die tomorrow.
  276. It is usual for people to defend their prejudices by calling them instincts.
  277. My classmates have all gotten so fat and bold they didn't even recognize me.
  278. Winston has written four volumes about himself and called it 'World Crisis'.
  279. Question: What book would you most like to have with you on a desert island?
  280. Australia must be so pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about.
  281. Traditionalists are pessimists about the future and optimist about the past.
  282. Any simpleton may write a book, but it requires high skill to make an index.
  283. At school Divinity was my best subject. It usually is with backward students.
  284. Worker, examining his paycheck:"Well, I see the goverment got another raise."
  285. God made man merely to hear some praise of what He'd done on those five days.
  286. She gave me the sort of look she would have given a leper she wasn't fond of.
  287. Is this your basketball? It seems to have fallen under my tyre several times.
  288. Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanizee much later than others.
  289. In the religion of love the courtesan is a heretic; but the nun is an atheist.
  290. The violation of some laws is a normal part of the behaviour to every citizen.
  291. The political alternatives in America now are like putting Band-Aid on cancer.
  292. In full regalia, she liked like Lyndon B. Johnson dressed up like Elizabeth I.
  293. I'm sorry Mr Kipling, but you just don't know how to use the English language.
  294. I would rather that people should wonder why I wasn't President than why I am.
  295. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
  296. It's not that I don't trust you, Dunstable, it's simply that I don't trust you.
  297. I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  298. No Captain can do very wrong if he places his ship alongside that of the enemy.
  299. My dad was the town drunk. A lot of times that's not so bad - but New York City?
  300. When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes thrown in Jed Harris's face.
  301. What can you do with a man who looks like a female llama surprised when bathing.
  302. Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to to take you in.
  303. You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
  304. The trouble with my wife is that she is a whore in the kitchen and a cook in bed.
  305. People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they like.
  306. I bought all those Jane Fonda videos. I love to sit and eat cookies and watch'em.
  307. I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
  308. My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.
  309. The world is not ready for nuclear disarmament, or any other kind of disarmament.
  310. I'm glad we'be been bombed. It makes me feel I can look the East End in the face.
  311. I have an absolute rule. I refuse to make a decision that somebody else can make.
  312. If you had been born two days later you would have been kind, generous and witty.
  313. Perhaps the most lasting pleasure in life is the pleasure of not going to church.
  314. I just want to make one ome brief statement about psychoanalysis:"Fuck Dr Freud."
  315. It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window.
  316. I used to sing in the chorus, till they found out where the noise was coming from.
  317. He's one of those men whose legs you have to count to make sure they aren't mules.
  318. If anyone wants to know what elephants are like, they are like people only more so.
  319. Hello! We heard you at the door, but just thought you were part of the bad weather.
  320. Your right to wear a mint-green polyester leisure suit ends where it meets my eyes.
  321. All I know of birds to this day is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
  322. It is, of course, a bit of a drawback that science was invented after I left school.
  323. When you can't afford to hire the best, hire the young who are going to be the best.
  324. Attempting to murder you was just a silly way of trying to draw attention to myself.
  325. She was one of the best informed women that I have ever known. She knew who she was.
  326. Women have a wonderful sense of right and wrong, but little sense of right and left.
  327. When anyone says they often think something it means they've just thought of it now.
  328. You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
  329. My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like - just dont swallow it.
  330. A leader should not get too far in front of his troops or he will be shot in the ass.
  331. Cedric Hardwicke is my fifth favourite actor, the first four being the Marx Brothers.
  332. Then, sir, you will turn it over once more in what you are pleased to call your mind.
  333. Maybe an atheist cannot find God for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman.
  334. No society in which eccentricity is a matter of reproach, can be in a wholesome state.
  335. Older women are best because they always think they may be doing it for the last time.
  336. On the day that God made Carl He didn't do anything else but sit around and feel good.
  337. Maybe it's the hair. Maybe it's the teeth. Maybe it's the intellect. No, it's the hair.
  338. Bacchus was a convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.
  339. Napoleon ought never to be confused with Nelson, in spite of their hats being so alike.
  340. When Moshe Dayan heard him play, he took the patch off his eye and put it over his ear.
  341. Most of the geography of Scotland consists of mountains, grass, heather, and Edinburgh.
  342. A true conservative is one who can't see any difference between radicalism and an idea.
  343. Once upon a time money swore solemnly that nobody who did not love money should have it.
  344. Always remember, that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
  345. The duchess thinking to have gotten God by the foot, when she had the devil by the tail.
  346. It may surprise you to learn that Ernie Wise is part Italian. His wig comes from Venice.
  347. Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
  348. There's nothing wrong with Oscar Levant that a really first-class miracle couldn't cure.
  349. I don't feel eighty. In fact I don't feel anything till noon. Then it's time for my nap.
  350. Americans are fighting to express themselves in a language they've never properly learnt.
  351. You can't help respecting anybody who can spell Tuesday, even if he can't spell it right.
  352. They say that drinking interferes with your sex life. I figure it's the other way around.
  353. Marriage: a woman's hair net tangled in a man's spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser.
  354. Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this - that you are dreadfully like other people.
  355. I went on a diet, swore drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
  356. I told his wife I'd never work again for an Oscar-winner who was shorter than the statue.
  357. Most vegetarians I've ever seen looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
  358. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
  359. When will this posthumus life of mine come to an end. I feel the flowers growing over me.
  360. When business is good it pays to advertise; when business is bad you've got to advertise.
  361. Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
  362. My wife's mother tells people I am effeminate. I don't mind because compared to her, I am.
  363. I gave my beauty and youth to men. I am going to give my wisdom and experience to animals.
  364. Marilyn Monroe was all woman. She had curves in places other woman don't even have places.
  365. What do you want Benjamin? I want, I want, I want everything I've ever seen in the movies.
  366. I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because He was dissapointed in the monkey.
  367. I wouldn't tell the people anything until the war is over, and then I'd tell them who won.
  368. There is no muse telling that fellow anything. It just goes in one head and out the other.
  369. Is a right-angled triangle likely to have a square on its hypotenuse?…I mean in real life.
  370. This is what it's all about: if you can't have fun at it, there's no sense hanging around.
  371. I genuinely like myself, and have no reason to believe that my feeling is not reciprocated.
  372. Have you ever noticed that many jewels make women either incredibly fat or incredibly thin.
  373. All of the animals, excepting man, know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
  374. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
  375. Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.
  376. The one thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax.
  377. An atheist is a guy who watches a Notre-Dame - SMU football game and doesn't care who wins.
  378. If the Lord would send me something interesting, I wouldn't mind if it was only a plaid pig.
  379. Where there are PhDs in a developing country, one is head of state and the other is in exile.
  380. We must stop talking about the American dream and start listening to the dreams of Americans.
  381. No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have - and I think he is a dirty little beast.
  382. We have a problem. 'Congratulations.' But it's a tough problem. 'Then double congratulation.'
  383. If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
  384. I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
  385. Doubtless God could have made a better berry than the strawberry but doubtless God never did.
  386. The Aberdeen terrier gave me an unpleasant look and said something under his breath in Gaelic.
  387. I don't want money. It is only people who pay their bills who want that, and I never pay mine.
  388. If she had made one more remark about Bergman, I would've knocked her other contact lense out.
  389. For those who do not think, it is best at least to rearrange their prejudices once in a while.
  390. When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness… I was right.
  391. It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year.
  392. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become a President; I'm beginning to believe it.
  393. Joan Rivers: You've had a lot of lovers. Who was your best lover? - Joan Collins: Your husband.
  394. On the same bill and on the same side of it there should not be two charges for the same thing.
  395. When a dog barks at the moon, it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism.
  396. The only demand I make of my reader is that he should devote his whole life to reading my book.
  397. It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.
  398. Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.
  399. I everyone could choose where he was going to be born, some countries would be left quite empty.
  400. A lot of Italians have played Indians. Well, some day, I'd like to see an Indian play an Italian.
  401. Contest Announcement: First prize - one week in Cleveland. Second prize - two weeks in Cleveland.
  402. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.
  403. Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life.
  404. This is the first convention of the space age - when a candidate can promise the moon and mean it.
  405. I didn't know the full facts of life until I was seventeen. My father never talked about his work.
  406. Of course there's a different law for the rich and the poor; otherwise, who would go into business?
  407. Gays grow up watching heterosexual movies and deciding whether they're Bette Davis or Paul Henreid.
  408. He appeared to be some kind of inanimate object, like a large football or two tickets to the opera.
  409. A genius! For thirty-seven years I've practised fourteen hours a day and now they call me a genius!
  410. Ahelyett, hogy tovább szónókolnánk az amerikai álomról, figyeljünk inkább oda az amerikaiak álmaira.
  411. Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.
  412. It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
  413. I am ready to my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
  414. Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
  415. As a salesman I proved the truth of the old adage,"If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again."
  416. I'm frightened of eggs. Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is jellow, revolting. I've never tasted it.
  417. Many married couples have learned that a joke can be the shortest distance between two points of view.
  418. Telegram of employee during traffic crisis: Regret cannot come today; have not yet got home yesterday.
  419. We send missionaires to China so the Chinese can get to heaven, but we won't let them into our country.
  420. At the first cup man drinks wine; at the second cup wine drinks wine; at hte third cup wine drinks man.
  421. He pasted picture postcards around the goldfish bowl to make the goldfish think they were going places.
  422. I want a man who only has to be kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a multi-millionaire?
  423. Rail travel at high speed is not possible, because passengers, unable to breath, would die of asphyxia.
  424. I did not say that this meat was tough. I just said I didn't see the horse that usually stands outside.
  425. I'm not very good at it myself, but the first rule about spelling is that there is only one 'z' in 'is'.
  426. If you would know what the Lord God thinks of money, you have only to look at those to whom he gives it.
  427. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.
  428. I always wore my football shirt the wrong way round. The opposition never knew if I was coming or going.
  429. After four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth I pass out altogether.
  430. It is a great shock at the age of five or six to find that in a world of Gary Coopers you are the Indian.
  431. My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
  432. Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.
  433. Figures tell us that there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.
  434. I think that maybe in every company today there is always at least one person who is growing crazy slowly.
  435. If you don't want to use the army, I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully, A. Lincoln.
  436. I housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
  437. This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
  438. Was she old? When they lit all of the candles on her birthday cake, six people were overcome with the heat.
  439. The boys are in such a mood that if someone introduced the Ten Commandments, they'd cut them down to eight.
  440. People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitue.
  441. I could never understand how Joe Louis was the world champion when Bogart was the toughest guy in the world.
  442. They found a will stipulating that he be cremated and his ashes scattered all over her best dining-room rug.
  443. I am determined my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.
  444. Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.
  445. I want to tell a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
  446. In this job, you have only two choices: you are either funny deliberately, or you are funny unintentionally.
  447. I'm not a drinker. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
  448. If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
  449. The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
  450. I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russel stark naked than with Ulysses S. Grant in full military regalia.
  451. It goes far toward reconciling me to being a woman when I reflect that I am thus in no danger of marrying one.
  452. Up to the time of going to press there is no final solution as to which religion the Almighty himself prefers.
  453. When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder a man he calls it ferocity.
  454. My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.
  455. The primary purpose of liberal education is to make one's mind pleasant place in which to spend one's leisure.
  456. Well Betjamen, if you're going to be my son-in-law you needn't go on calling me 'Sir'. Call me 'Field Marshal'.
  457. Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  458. An essential cocomitant of civil disobedience is the actor's willingness to accept the punishment that follows.
  459. Life is a combination of tragedy and comedy. Some of the funniest things I've ever heard were said at funerals.
  460. My first car was painted red down one side and blue down the other to confuse witnesses in case of an accident.
  461. My plan cannot fail if the people are with us and we ought not to succeed unless we do have the people with us.
  462. Aziz Ezzet, a gentleman of importance in Egypt, says his name can be pronounced by opening a soda bottle slowly.
  463. One theory was that Bacon cribbed his essays from a notebook of Shakespeare's that he had picked up in a tavern.
  464. If the average man is made in God's image, then such a man as Beethoven or Aristotle is plainly superior to God.
  465. …a woman in this age is considered learned enough if she can distinguish her husband's bed from that of another.
  466. If anyone corrects your pronunciation of a word in a public place, you have every right to punch him in the nose.
  467. He knitted a good deal to keep himself from smoking and he also smoked a good deal to keep himself from knitting.
  468. He intented, he said, to devote the rest of his life to learning the remaining twenty-two letters of the alphabet.
  469. When you can see those mountains over there, that means it's going to rain. When you can't see them, it's raining.
  470. I love her, not for her breasts, her buttocks or her knees but for her mind. It is inscrutable. She is like a poem.
  471. I'll never forget the night I brought my Oscar home and Tony took me one look at it and I knew my marriage was over.
  472. If there are any of you at the back who do not hear me, please don't raise your hands because I am also nearsighted.
  473. Ford, if you were placed naked in a room without furnishings, I could come back in an hour and find total confusion.
  474. My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
  475. The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
  476. If an economist becomes certain of the solution of any problem, he can be equally certain that his solution is wrong.
  477. May God prevent us from becoming "right-thinking" men - that is to say men who agree perfectly with their own police.
  478. When they tell me I have forsook the worship of my ancestors, I say I have had more ancestors heathen than Christian.
  479. There are a large number of excellent restaurants in London. There is a particularly good one on the right hand side.
  480. For many years I was quite sure that thunder was the sound of God moving his beer barrels across the floor of the sky.
  481. If you could just be a nigger one Saturday night, you wouldn't never want to be a white man again as long as you live.
  482. You can't expect the public to get excited about a film where the leading man's tits are bigger than the leader lady'y.
  483. People are wrong when they say the opera isn't what it used to be. It is what it used to be.That's what' wrong with it.
  484. The best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got just to know.
  485. Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people. I said I would rather live on in my apartment.
  486. She doesn't understand my writing and said last night that my 'Critique of Metaphysical Reality' reminded her of Airport.
  487. The sun, the moon and stars would have dissapeard long ago, had they happened to be within reach of predatory human hands.
  488. Rembrant is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist Mr Rippingille.
  489. An apology for the Devil - it must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.
  490. I cannot learn languages; men of ordinary capacity can learn Sanskrit in less time than it takes me to buy a German dictionary.
  491. You have no idea how much nastier I would be if I was not a Catholic. Without supernatural aid I would hardly be a human being.
  492. TO-DAY I am MAKing aN inno6$vation. as you mayalready have gessed, I am typling this article myself to save time and exBKVpense.
  493. Recession is when your neighbour loses his job. Depression is when you loses yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.
  494. Our local congressman admits his opponent resembles Abraham Lincoln - if you can imagine a short, fat dishonest Abraham Lincoln.
  495. Money: A good thing you have. It frees you from doing thigs you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
  496. Being in a hurry seems so fiercely important when you yourself is the hurrier and so comically ludicrous when it is someone else.
  497. I'm never going to be famous. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but don't even do that anymore.
  498. What provokes you to risibility, sir? Have I said anything that you understand? Then I ask the pardon of the rest of the company.
  499. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone,"it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more or less".
  500. I was in hopes Lord Illingworth would have married Lady Kelso. But I believe he said her family was too large. Or was it her feet?
  501. He looked at me as if I were some sort of unnecessary product which the cat had brought in after a rumble among the local ash-cans.
  502. There's no question that the Woody Allen character that appears on the screen is a Greek god version of what he is like in real life.
  503. Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.
  504. I do not know whether Bacon wrote the works of Shakespeare, but if he did not it seems to me that he missed the opportunity of his life.
  505. He convinced his employer that the company could double its profits by merely unlocking the front door and allowing customers to come in.
  506. Twenty-four years ago, Madam, I was incredibly handsome. In San Francisco, in rainy season, I was frequently mistaken for a cloudless day.
  507. Of what question is the following the answer:"Washington Irving"? - The question is: Who was the first President of the United States, Max?
  508. She looked like one of those potatoes that people photograph and send to the papers because it bears a curious resemblance to a human face.
  509. Don't think. If you have, don't tell anyone. If you have, don't write it down. If you have, don't sign it. If you have, don't be surprised.
  510. A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn't feel like it. An amateur is a man who can't do his job when he does feel like it.
  511. Formerly when great fortunes were only made in war, war was business; but now when great fortunes are only made in business, business is war.
  512. Intellectuals are people who believe that ideas are of more importance than values. That is to say, their own ideas and other people's values.
  513. London is full of fogs - and serious people. Whether the fogs produce the serious people or whether the serious people produce the fogs, I don't know.
  514. I have been tempted to make a proposal to our Republican friends: that if they stop telling lies about us, we would stop telling the truth about them.
  515. Nations talk about what they lack; America is talking about peace, Germany about unity, France about glory, Russia about freedom and India about food.
  516. Even as a kid I alwats went for the women. When we went to see Snow White everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the wicked queen.
  517. I can never remeber whether it snowed for six days and six nights when I was twelve or whether it snowed for twelve days and twelve nights when I was six.
  518. It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resort to mathemathics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
  519. Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
  520. It was a wild and stormy night on the west coast of Scotland. This, however, is immaterial to the present story, as the scene is not laid in the west of Scotland.
  521. The English are the kindliest souls in the world, but if they see anything beautiful flying in the air or running along the ground, they rush for a gun and kill it.
  522. I remeber looking at the clock. It was precisely four-fifteen. I'm quite certain of this, because our kitchen clock has not worked in twenty-one years and is always at the time.
  523. Interviewer: You've probably been in more movies with Dean Martin than Jerry Lweis? - Shirley MacLaine: I've probably been in more movies with Dean Martin than even Dean Martin has.
  524. It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "Try to be a little kinder".
  525. Winston would go up to his creator and say that he would very much like to see his Son, about whom he had heard a great deal and, if possible, would to call on the Holy Gost. Winston loves meeting people.
  526. Alf Todd has about as much chance of winning the heavy-weigh championship, as a one-armed blind man in a dark room trying to shove a pound of melted butter into a wild-cat's left ear with a red-hot needle.
  527. I must point out that my rule of life prescribes as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.
  528. Two goldfish were swimming around and around in a glass bowl. One announced crankly that he had become an atheist. "Fine, fine," scoffed the other. "Now just explain to me who changes the water in this bowl!"
  529. I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House - with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined here alone.
  530. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
  531. Certainly the progress of science is a wonderful thing. One can't help being proud of it. As for the linotype and the aeroplane and the vacuum house-cleaner, well, I'm not sure that I didn't invent them myself.
  532. An amateur thinks it's funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady.
  533. If all mankind minus one were of the same opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person than he, if he had the power, would be in silencing mankind.
  534. The Earle of Oxford, making his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and he went to Travell, 7 years. On his return the Queen welcomed him home, say'd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.
  535. Do you know how they are going to decide the Shakespeare-Bacon dispute? They are going to dig up Shakespeare and dig up Beacon; they are going set their coffin side by side, and they are going to get Tree to recite 'Hamlet' and the one who turns in his coffin will be the author of the play.
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